You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
