I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
