Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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