So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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