She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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