never play flip cup with pint glasses
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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