I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
