every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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