and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
