Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Randomize
