so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Randomize
