Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
