I am puke
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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