dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize