My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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