Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
I could have mohawked her pubes.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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