my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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