i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
