You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
