Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
im holly from the hills drunk
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
