Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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