I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
