How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
