I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Lo siento on account of my penis...
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
