Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
my being single is dangerous.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
