just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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