I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
