You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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