We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
