Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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