How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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