Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
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