So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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