when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
