If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
