"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
If I die, sorry about rent.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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