Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
