you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
