if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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