Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
