Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
