youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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