I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Randomize
