making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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