You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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