Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
