His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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