I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
