probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
