Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
