life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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