we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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