i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
