dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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