There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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