Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
4 words: hood of his car
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
