remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross
its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary
i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
