His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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