ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Randomize