Dude my mom stole all your condoms
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
