After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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